A Day in the Life of a Heatwave.

Posted on 02/07/2017 By

Heatwave 2017.


Bertie: “It so bleeding ‘ot! (Sarf London). Can’t put up with this heatwave much longer. How about you Bobby? Bobby? BOBBY? What’s the matter with you? You do look a bit cream crackered. Even Uncle Dick.”

Bobby: “Uhhhhh. Given up. Made an executive decision. Had an outbreak of common sense. I’m giving up!”

Bertie: “What are you rattling on about?”

Bobby: “Simple. I have given up going out again until the weather cools down. Given up Al Anon, National Trust, Waitrose. Mind you Waitrose is lovely and cool, but you have to get in the car to get there.”

Bertie: “So what are you going to do? Loaf around all week?”

Bobby: “No. I am going to do something I have been meaning to do for ages. I am sorting out junk. Memorabilia. Mine first, then Diddley.”

Bertie: “OMG. Gor strike a light. Stone the crows. This is awful.”

Bobby: “Why?”

Bertie: “Because – you will start and get fed up. It will never get finished and be piled up and shoved back where it came from. And you won’t throw anything away!”

Bobby: “We’ll see, smartarse.”


Bertie: “What are you doing watching tennis? It’s all over the floor.”

Bobby: “It’s a system. First sift. Collect it all together from drawers and cupboards. Give up and watch tennis. Then start sorting into rough piles. Then sort the piles out. Then give up and watch tennis.”

Heatwave: First sift!

First sift!


Heatwave: Second sift!

Second sift!

Bertie: “So this is stage…two? And you are watching tennis…!”

Wednesday….. A Day in the Life of a Heatwave.

Bertie: “So, Bobby. Rumour has it today is going to be the hottest yet. Any plans?

Bobby: “Can’t stand it. Wish I hadn’t started, but I must carry on regardless. Prove you wrong. So, we are going to IKEA.”

Bertie: “WHAATTTTT? You must be bleedin joking Forget about me. I’m not coming. And what about the blog?”

Bobby: “I need boxes for sift two. No idea about the blog.”

Bertie: “I have. Keep it simple. Short. Wham bam thank you ma’am.”

Bobby: “Errr.”

Bertie: “Well, he’s driven off. The car is ailing and the mechanic said don’t do any long journeys. So he has gone off in a heatwave. Bleedin nutter!”

Heatwave: Twin Towers.

Twin Towers of IKEA, Croydon.

Bobby: “Wowww. Sinking feeling developing. Where’s the boxes? Round and Round. Round and Round. Round and Round. Hang on. PILLOWS. Haven’t got any pillows. Took them all to the dump. Black bin mind you. Why, because Merrill inferred with an enigmatic smile that my pillows might be a little … ‘jaded‘. GAD took over. Bubonic plague, millions of mites. That’s it. Dump!

So, no pillows. Which ones? Some of them. Some of them. Posh ones for me. Cheap for the kids. Pillow case liners. Chuck them all in. And the boxes. Chuck them all in. Is it air conditioned in here ? Flipping ‘ot. Queue up… still here… still here… still here and ahhh… £167.50. WHATTT!? Investment. Investment. Investment. Keep saying investment. Calm down. Do some mindful breathing and ask ‘are you mad on the hottest June day for 41 years when you said you were staying in? Hope the car gets back‘!

Cruise home until, suddenly, a heavenly vista is on the horizon. Shall I stop? It’s getting hotter – but yes! This is paradise. This is Mayfield Lavender. On the hottest day of all.

Mayfield Lavender.

This is smellovision. You look and imagine, or just go there (or to other lavender fields) and breathe in. No more words.

Heatwave: Entrance to Mayfield Lavender.


Heatwave: Mayfield Lavender.

Mayfield Lavender.

Heatwave: Row upon Row.

Row upon Row.

Heatwave: Bleedin' selfies!

Bleedin’ selfies!

Heatwave: Did I mention there were rows upon rows...?

Did I mention there were rows upon rows…?

Heatwave: Spot of shade anyone?

Spot of shade anyone?

Heatwave: Oasis in the distance.

Oasis in the distance.

Heatwave: They grow some odd things in these fields...

They grow some odd things in these fields…

Bobby: “I did go home. Bertie reminded me about the blog, so here it is. In smellovision. The third sift is underway, and taking longer and longer as I revel in what I have accumulated. I’ll share some with you, starting with Spitfire beer. A special promotion for the Battle of Britain a few years ago. Beermats. The Germans could take the joke. Some homegrown saddos couldn’t. There was a little controversy, but no worse than Dad’s Army. Someone said one was obscene….

And all in a day in the life of a heatwave:”

Spitfire: Premium Kentish Ale.

Premium Kentish Ale.

Heatwave: "Are you a pole vaulter?" - "Nein I am German and my name is Fritz."

“Are you a pole vaulter?” – “Nein I am German and my name is Fritz.”

Heatwave: No Fokker comes close.

No Fokker comes close.

Heatwave: Beware of enemy infiltration. The Bottle of Britain.

Beware of enemy infiltration. The Bottle of Britain.

Heatwave: You stupid boy.

You stupid boy.

Heatwave: You started it.

You started it.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha They don’t like it up ’em. Don’t mention the war. I shall say zis only vonce. Luvverly boy. Ha ha ha ha ha ha.

Lighting a Candle for Diddley.

Heatwave: Candle and flowers.Dearest, Darling Diddley. Here are the very first sweet peas of the summer. Straight from the allotment. Just as I have always done.

Once again, it’s in smellovision. You look and imagine. Ladies can come round here for the real thing. Blokes can grow their own. They only last a few days, but then you go and pick another bunch. They are not worth buying as cut flowers. They must be cut to avoid going to seed. For some, they are the most beautiful scent in the garden. Or allotment.

Heatwave: Sweet peas growing in the garden.

Sweet peas growing on the allotment.


Goodbye Michael Bond. Creator of one of the most loved bears in history. Paddington. Talking on a recorded Radio London interview he said “there is something safe about bears where you know they will keep your secrets.

Heatwave: Paddington and Michael Bond.

Paddington and Michael Bond.


  1. Avatar Felicity Drewett says:

    Sweet peas. Such a wonderful perfume. Ditto lavendar. The best perfumes are from nature. My mum’s old roses. Fantastic scent and colour!!! Yes it’s been rather warm. It was 39 degrees in Cordoba at midnight!!! Bertie take care of Bobby.

    • Avatar Bertie says:

      This weekends weather was perfect Fliss. Absolutely in my element. The show at Littlehampton Facebook. Yesterday an NT stand at Westcott fete. Me running the wildlife quiz for kids.
      Skulls, food, poo, insects. All to be identified from a list. Telling the children about the skulls. Why woodpecker is tiny…. ( because they live on ants)

  2. Avatar Val Clark says:

    Enjoy the sifting! Maybe you should have invested in a fan.:) Just saying. Winter here. Frosts but not much rain. I would like more rain. Rain and storms. I like rain and storms.

    • Avatar Bertie says:

      I like rain. In Austria from the covered veranda of my bedroom I watched this fantastic thunderstorm. Forked lightning. In amongst the mountains the thunderclaps were deafening

  3. Avatar Stuart Ogden says:

    Found the antidote to a heatwave

    First take a huge bag of frozen peas wrap it in a tea towel and then stuff it down your shirt

    Be careful not to thicken your blood too much or you might have a clot

    Keep cool from Stuart

  4. Avatar katherine says:

    i could feel the heat in the lavender fields… a really lovely blog this week.. funny and furious and honest thanks Bob n Bertie

    • Avatar Bertie says:

      Those lavender fields are glorious. They shut at six. I would love to be there at sunset with a little moisture in the air.

  5. Avatar Nancy says:

    Sifting and sorting is so procrastinatingly time wasting !!

    Your sense of humour is your strength Bob. Put into boxes to sort in the winter and be ruthless with bin bags to dump. Out of sight out of mind.

    Lavender fields – beautiful and calming to the frustrated soul. Carpe Diem.

    • Avatar Bertie says:

      I finished it Nancy with my IKEA boxes. Little thrown away. But some gems uncovered.
      Di’s next but another day.Lavender heavenly.

  6. Avatar Bernard says:

    Love the rapport between you and Bertie…anyone would think it was a real conversation….only joking. Fall marks on enjoyable read and great pics of peaceful Lavender fields.

    • Avatar Bertie says:

      It is a real conversation……. remember Tommy Cooper with two sets of clothes on . Half and and half. That’s how it is….

  7. […] sweet pea packet? Well, you may remember he had a massive tidy up during a heatwave. See “A Day in the Life of a Heatwave“. The seeds were put somewhere safe and secure. Wonder where? They are there! Have no fear. […]

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